


Adrift

by writingforfun18



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon AU cause let's see how the show does all this, Canon Compliant, F/M, Hailey and Jay need to bump their heads together, post ep to s7e18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23344864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingforfun18/pseuds/writingforfun18
Summary: When Hailey is sent to to New York, there are things she must do, people she must tell. It's hard not to feel adrift, to let it not them change her and them for good or bad. A post ep to 7x18 and beyond. Upstead trying to deal with their and understand their feelings. Upjas friendship.
Relationships: Hailey Upton & Vanessa Rojas, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 6
Kudos: 89





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wanted to write this as soon as s7e18 ended - obviously spoilers for that episode in particular and will be AU though am fascinated as to how the show will deal with it all this season and into next.
> 
> This will be a two or three chaptered fic and will complete it over weekend. x
> 
> (will get back to writing cross your heart v soon) 
> 
> Any errors etc., down to me x

Hailey's feet somehow carry her to the front desk without her needing to think too hard.

Hardly anyone is about, only Platt and two other officers behind her.

"You've got tickets for me," Hailey says, not recognizing the tone of her own voice.

Hailey's aware enough to see the flicker of concern in Platt's eyes and she has to look away because to acknowledge the concern is to acknowledge that what happened before was real.

It'll be real enough when Platt hands her the envelope she has in her hand, never mind facing up to her emotions.

"The flight's in the morning, someone will be waiting to meet you at LaGuardia."

Hailey reaches for the envelope, but at the last moment, Platt pulls her hand away.

"Only giving you these if you promise to be careful."

Despite herself, Hailey smiles, "I promise."

"Okay I trust you, so here ya go," Trudy hands over the envelope.

Hailey stares at the envelope and murmurs, "Thank you," before she turns away, walking towards the door. Away from here for a few weeks, that's all, though it feels like forever right now.

"He does this because he cares, he's just got a weird way of showing it sometimes."

Hailey stops, her head lowering as she hears Trudy's voice. Not trusting herself to look back-at the older woman, not wanting to say that those exact words were words she'd heard from her mother's mouth years ago about her father.

Not wanting to admit that for a moment upstairs in Voight's she felt like she was in another place entirely, in another time.

She settles for a nod she hopes Trudy sees, walks down the stairs, pushes the door and steps out into the cold of the night.

\- - - -

Hailey gently closes the door behind her. Immediately she recognizes the familiar aroma, and she pauses, closing her eyes. Somehow she can get through this, _them_ , through this.

Vanessa's greeting is so different from normal, hesitant. She's holding a pair of oven gloves and her smile is fragile. As fragile as Hailey feels.

"I made pasta. I know it's late, but I bet you're hungry?"

Hailey returns Vanessa's smile and like magic; Vanessa brightens, looking so young again and yet old beyond her years. For a moment Hailey reconsiders telling her, not wanting to ruin this, wanting to keep the illusion that everyone's normal and nothing's changed.

"What's up, Hailey?" Vanessa asks, frowning. Too bad that Vanessa is as intuitive as Hailey.

Hailey lifts her hand to squeeze Vanessa's shoulder, tries another smile and shakes her head, "It'll wait, let's have food, it smells delicious."

Vanessa looks uncertain, and perhaps it's the worst idea Hailey's ever had as they eat the pasta in silence, all too aware of the occasional nervous glance Vanessa sends Hailey's way.

Too late, Hailey realizes what it reminds her of; a time so long ago, stony silence during family meals with her father's deliberately loud chewing and crashing the cutlery back onto the plate at the end of it being the signal for more nights spent hiding out of sight, her hands covering her ears.

She puts the fork down and without the hesitation that if she displayed it now could mean that she may struggle to even get the words out, she talks. As matter of fact as she can muster, even though it feels anything but that.

"Voight and I talked earlier, I'm going to New York for a few weeks. FBI Task Force, only for a few weeks."

Hailey believes she repeats the 'few weeks,' mostly for Vanessa's benefit except it's half-true because she needs to convince herself of that too because the alternatives?

There are none.

"This is because of me, right?" Vanessa sounds dangerously close to tears as she shakes her head, the fork still in her hand. Though her interest, her focus, is only on Hailey.

Hailey shakes her head, "No."

"It has to be though, it should be me going, not you Hailey. I messed this up so badly."

The tears run freely down her face. Hailey jumps off the stool, walks around to where Vanessa's sat and as much for her as for the younger woman, she throws an arm around her and draws her in, hearing the quiet and sharp intakes of breath as Vanessa continues to cry.

"It wasn't you, it was me. This isn't on you Vanessa, please don't think that."

They stay like that till Vanessa's breaths slow and she lifts her hand to wipe her eyes, managing a tiny smile as she glances at Hailey.

Hailey pulls her arm away and leans against the counter.

"You 'kay?"

Vanessa nods, leaning forward, fixing Hailey with a stare.

"How do you feel about this Hail? Not that I don't appreciate your concern for me, but you're the one going to a new place, without us, without Jay."

The way she emphasizes her last two words has Hailey raising her eyebrows and shaking her head.

"New York isn't another country, and it isn't permanent, it's not, it's absolutely not."

"You sound like you're trying to convince yourself, not me."

"No, that's not it."

"Was it negotiable?"

"You've met Hank Voight, right?"

"Ok, enough said," Vanessa responds as her face creases with concern, "Was it bad?"

"I've had worse, much worse."

Rojas gets it and her sympathetic nod and quiet acceptance of Hailey's need, whether she expressed it to leave it at that or not, is something Hailey's both grateful for and sad that she understands.

"What I need from you is to keep this place going, water these plants, tell me you're okay and about your day, stay safe and keep everyone else safe."

Vanessa nods, "You know I will and I need that from you too, not only me, I speak for everyone. Voight included," with a grin she adds, "Jay too."

"OKAY Rojas, I got the message," Hailey stands up straighter and pulls Vanessa in for another hug, more for her this time, "I'm going to go pack."

They pull apart and Hailey casts an eye around the kitchen, committing everything to memory, this sense of home and the security it provides.

"You told him yet?"

It's telling, or perhaps it's predictable that Vanessa doesn't have to clarify who the 'him' is.

Hailey sighs, "Kinda figuring out how to, I will though whether it's a call or a text."

"A bit of friendly advice Hailey, don't text him, even if he accepts it you'll regret it."

Something else to add to the list of regrets, Hailey thinks before she nods and squeezes Vanessa's hand as she walks toward the stairs.

She's nearly at the stairs by the bannisters before she turns back, takes a step to the side and watches Vanessa as she places the plates and cutlery into the dishwasher and wipes down the counter.

"Rojas?"

Vanessa stops and looks her way, "Yeah?"

"I'm your people, or at least I can be if you want me to be."

Vanessa's eyes lower and Hailey thinks her bottom lip trembles before she raises her eyes and there's a flicker of a smile before it's replaced with one that's so bright and an accompanying nod.

"I would love that."

"It's done," Hailey replies simply before she walks up the stairs to pack for something that a few short hours ago would have seemed so unlikely.

\- - - -

There are blue skies for Jay's early morning run, it's still cold, with every breath out there's a cloud of condensation. It's perfect running conditions. It's quiet too for once, it's stress relieving. It's what he needs after the past few days.

He's looking at his watch intently, stopping it and looking at the split times with such concentration that he nearly misses that she's there.

"Jay."

He's automatically smiling as he jerks his attention away from his watch and toward the voice and sees her, leaning against her car, a smile on her face but something about her which has him realizing even without hearing the reason for her being here that there's nothing about this that's normal.

"Well, _this_ is new," He tries with a smile, hoping he's wrong while knowing he's not.

"Uh-huh," she replies.

Jay looks past her and into the car where he can see a suitcase in the back.

"Going someplace?"

Hailey looks like she wants to say something and she opens her mouth, but instead, she looks down at her feet.

"You could come up, make you a coffee?"

She shakes her head, "I can't be late and I'm sort of wishing I'd called instead."

"Late for what?" Jay asks, certain now that he won't like her reply.

"New York Jay, I'm going to New York, they needed a loan-out officer. _I'm_ that loan-out officer."

"What? Why?"

"I did stupid reckless things, feels like that's all I've been doing lately."

Jay takes a step nearer to Hailey, "This about Darius Walker or?"

Hailey's laugh is hollow, and she looks away, her fingers fidgeting with the zip on her jacket.

"That's not the half of it, Jay and now isn't the right time."

"I think perhaps there'll never be a right time but I won't push, I won't pry except what made you choose to go there now?"

"It's not a choice Jay."

The way Hailey says it is all Jay needs to get it, no need for her to spell it out and he nods. Inside him immediately are emotions warring for his attention, he does his best to quiet them because Hailey right now needs him calm, needs him accepting and he needs it too.

"How long?"

"Few weeks."

"Just when we get back together as partners, sometimes it feels like the universe is telling us something."

"The universe isn't always right Jay."

Jay looks away, his trainers scuffing the ground, attention focused beyond the roof of Hailey's car, a million and one words coming to mind, none of them feeling right. Fear and anger, they're the principal emotions right now. Fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of something changing that means this goes how it went with Erin which is odd to say, because it was different with her. There was love, and of course, he loves Hailey. He does, how could he not? But it's different.

Isn't it?

Fine time for all those thoughts he's buried for so long to come back to the surface, so he pushes them back down and thinks of the anger. The anger which has a different target, so he contains it. He looks back to Hailey and smiles, taking another step nearer, his hand reaching out to rest on her shoulder.

"It'll be fine, we'll keep in touch right?" At her nod, he continues, "And if you need to talk, if you want to talk, any time day or night I'll answer."

"Got it," Hailey replies, her eyes fixed on Jay's arm, the hand that's resting on her shoulder squeezing it, providing comfort and strength, "You take care of yourself please, don't get shot and if the moment comes that, you're finally ready to admit how badly things have affected you, it'll be like I'm here but on the other end of the line any time."

"Yes ma'am," they both grin but Jay's expression darkens, "Who'll take care of you, watch _your_ back?"

"Me, Jay, I'll watch my back and they will too."

Jay huffs and shakes his head, "I hate this, I never imagined this would be what would separate us, you need anything, someone to watch your back, you tell me, just say _please_?"

"Copy that," Hailey smiles before she looks at her watch, "Time to go."

It's instinctive when Jay pulls her in, enveloping her into the hug, his arms wrapping around her as he breathes in everything about this moment, long enough that he feels her arms tighten around his chest, feels the certainty that she needs this as much as he does until he lowers his arms and feels her pull away.

"Go get 'em, 'kay? Show everyone how amazing you are, solve cases in record time and come back sooner."

The 'to me' goes unsaid. He wonders if she has any idea that's what he means.

Hailey salutes him and he laughs even as he steps back as she opens the car door and goes to get in, but stops and fixes Jay with a stare.

"I'm coming back, Jay. Even if New York is invigorating, exciting, challenging, we didn't waste these past years just for me to throw it away," with a mischievous grin she adds as she sits in the driver's seat, "I didn't train you up to learn it was okay to have feelings and show the person you are, to recognize all that goodness inside of you, to let someone else get the benefit of it."

"Okay, Upton, out of here NOW." Jay responds, his cheeks reddening despite his attempt at deflection and the way he shuts the car door and rests one of his hands on the roof, looking down at Hailey who's rolled the window down, the other finding warmth in the pocket of his hoodie.

"See you soon, Jay."

"Counting on it, partner," Jay pats the roof of the car as Hailey starts it and raises one hand to wave as Jay steps back, returning the wave watching as she pulls away till she's out of sight.

Only then does he allow the fear, the emotions of the goodbye and the fear that she won't come back because New York and Jay and people he cares for don't have the best track record, to give way to quiet, controlled anger.

\- - - - 

The bullpen is empty as Jay arrives. It's still early, and he's thankful that no one's here. No one else, that is.

Jay doesn't stop to take off his jacket, he doesn't even knock on the door. He's not rehearsed what to say.

"This was low, even for you, it was low."

Voight doesn't react at all, he doesn't shift in his seat, he just watches Jay, allows Jay to continue.

"I just don't get why you allow me to make mistakes and you didn't send _me_ to New York. Everyone there in that bullpen who takes a seat today, we've all made mistakes and you've still not sent us to another city without backup. I don't get it, I don't understand why you think it's okay to play god with us, why you think you know better than all of us. Hailey and me, we're good right otherwise you wouldn't have put us back together so why do this? Why now?"

Jay sits down heavily, his hands pressed against the back of his head then dragging across his chin, shaking his head before he looks up and stares at Voight.

Voight who's expressionless, giving no sign of having heard Jay till there's a quiet release of air as he shifts position on his chair and leans forward, hands clasped together.

"You done?"

Jay doesn't reply, just maintains the stare and Voight sighs, leaning back in his chair.

"In 5 years time I see me in retirement if I'm not dead before then, I see you leading this unit, just like I always said you would and I see largely the same group of people out there waiting for you to show them the way each day, top of that list I see Upton but only if she stops pressing self-destruct."

"Never stopped you," Jay snaps back.

"And look where that got me, look where I am, Jay. My kid is dead, so is my best friend. Erin's in another city, hell Antonio's in a different country and this job is changing, this unit is changing and she needs to realize that the way she's done things recently has to change."

Voight stands up, rounding his desk, sitting on the edge, closer to Jay, "What she's done, listen I don't want her to become a version of me and she won't because she's still Hailey Upton and she's great police, she is but she's reckless police right now too and I need her to realize it can't continue."

"By sending her away like she's the worst police? Come on, Hank." Jay protests.

"She's not the best police right now Jay, she's not the worst either, far from it but she's in danger of being a liability too if she doesn't stop it soon. Emotions are fine, important even and she's always had those emotions, but in the past it was her head that kept that in control, kept you in check too Jay. I don't see it right now or not always, and she's as much as the future of this place as you. But that could change, and that's why I sent her."

Jay shakes his head, rubbing at the back of his head.

"Why not let me help? See if we could make it work."

"That'll come but it'll be more a case of how it's always been for you two, you balance each other out, two sides of the same coin."

"What if this, what if this shock tactic doesn't work, what if it backfires?"

"We'll have another space open in intelligence."

"And if she gets hurt or worse?"

"She won't."

Jay raises a skeptical eyebrow, "Oh man, I hope you're right, not just about that, all of this."

"So do I, Jay, so do I."

Jay stands up then, looking toward the bullpen, his gaze resting on Hailey's desk.

"What do we do for now? I don't have a partner."

"Rojas mostly, Burgess too, we'll rotate."

Jay doesn't look at Voight as he walks away, just nods absently, thinks he hears Voight go to speak but he's done hearing him as he sinks into his chair, jacket still on, staring over his computer and at Hailey's desk.

On one level he gets what Voight's done, as a cop with a mind into the future, he sees it. He recognizes all that Voight's said, Jay's own concerns about Hailey that he'd expressed to her himself, it's not like it's a giant surprise.

It's just that Jay envisaged always he'd be the one who'd carry her through it, back her up and now he can't.

He's almost tempted to book a flight, follow her just like he'd promised, instead, he stands up, takes his jacket off, goes to throw it on the back of his chair but after a moment of hesitation, he walks around to Hailey's desk, places his jacket on the back of her chair instead, leans down and picks up the stapler that has her initials on it, walks back around to his chair and sits back down, staring down at the stapler.

He reaches for his cell from his jacket, unlocks the screen and types out a quick message.

_Safe flight, taken ownership of your stapler and the back of your chair while you're gone, they'll be safe, make sure you stay safe too x_

He backspaces and deletes the 'x' then retypes it several times before he leaves it and presses send and puts the phone back on his desk, reaching for his mug to go get a drink but then his phone vibrates and he put the mug back down, picks up the phone and unlocks it, grinning at the response, definitely doesn't go back to it multiple times that day when he feels her absence already so keenly.

_Thanks Jay. You just gave me an idea for the present I bring back for you from New York, hear they do the best staplers, take care too otherwise I'll be mad x_

Jay wonders how two tiny, simple actions and one simple text make him feel less adrift from her.

Realizes that it's probably not such a normal reaction to 'just your partner' leaving just for a few weeks and that perhaps this affords him time to breathe, time to think.

Or not.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos on the first chapter. Later than planned as I really wasn't too well yesterday. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this and next and final chapter hopefully up tonight/tomorrow at latest though I could wait until after the FBI episode on Tuesday night? Let me know what you think x
> 
> Any mistakes down to me as always x

"Thirty-four," states Vanessa out of nowhere from where she's sat on the bench in a van across the street from a liquor store they've been watching for the last couple of hours, camera in her hand.

Jay, with headphones on his head, the monitors in front of him, looks up from his cell and glances at his temporary partner, his expression confused.

"Huh?"

"That's the thirty-fourth time you've looked at your cell since we were in the bullpen 5 hours ago."

"No way," Jay protests, "Also, shouldn't you be focusing on what's going on at the liquor store instead of surveilling me?"

"I can do two things at once, Jay," Vanessa states then with what Jay realizes is the ghost of a smile she adds, "Avoidance noted of the issue though."

"The issue being that I've been trying to contact one of my CI's so focus please."

He shoots her what he thinks is a suitably authoritative and intimidating look, and she gives all the illusions of listening and it falls silent in the van again.

Just their breathing and the occasional sound of the camera. It's too quiet.

"Besides, all I was doing was making sure her first day went okay, you know like partners do that kind of thing."

"Okay, sure that's one way to look at it."

Jay sees her raise her eyebrows up and down fast, a smirk on her face, but there's no trace of any reaction by the time he looks at her.

"It'll be a long few weeks if you keep tabs on how many times I look at my cell, Rojas, that's all I'm saying."

Vanessa lowers the camera and turns to Jay, her expression serious but warm.

"I'm not teasing or not honestly Jay, just an observation. I miss her too."

She raises the camera again, conversation apparently now closed even as Jay steals a glance at his cell a couple more times in the last hour of their time in the van before Kim and Kev take over.

\- - - -

As first days go, it wasn't too bad, Hailey thinks as she drops her coat onto the chair by the desk area in her hotel room.

Her second day in New York, but the first full day over.

She raises her arms up above her head and stretches, moving her head left to right to ease the stiffness from reading reports most of the day.

She loosens the bobble in her hair, pulls her fingers through easing out the knots in her hair and turns the coffee machine on.

Five minutes later and she's sat on the bed, legs outstretched, the tv on with the sound muted and sipping at the coffee. A decision to drink coffee probably not the best given it's already past 9pm, but now, it's what she needed.

Her cell rings as she finishes her second sip, and she grins at the caller ID.

"Hey Vanessa, how are you?"

"Hey roomie, I'm okay. The house is so quiet without you. The plants say hi, I say hi, how was your first day?"

"It was strange being the new girl again. It seems okay. A lot of reading today, got out a little too. It was fine. How about you? How was today?"

"Not the same without you I think everyone was still a little shocked, but at least Jay's not shooting daggers of fire toward Sarge anymore."

There's no need for Hailey to shut her eyes to imagine those exact looks and it brings a smile to her face before she asks, "How are you holding up?"

"I'm okay, still thinking there's a lot more to you ending up there than any actions just you took but I know you won't tell me, yet anyway, so I'm going to do my best here and keep this place looking great for when you're back."

Hailey sidesteps Vanessa's words, realizing that Vanessa probably expects no response and there's no sense going back, at least with _her_ anyway, instead casually as she can she asks.

"Who d'you get partnered up with?"

"He hasn't called you yet to complain?" Vanessa laughs into the phone.

Memories come flooding back even without Vanessa saying who it was, she doesn't need to. To a few years ago and the early days. Jay's changed in so many ways from the closed-off and damaged Jay he was, mostly for the better, but this change happened so fast, it's no wonder he's reacting.

"No, he hasn't, was he that bad?"

"Nah, he was okay except your cell must have blown up the amount of times he was looking at his today."

"He messaged me twice. I messaged him back to let him know I was still alive at 2.30 but that was the last time."

"Huh, maybe he wasn't lying about his CI, anyway, he was okay, we were doing a stakeout in the van today and it was all good."

Hailey relaxes hearing that, just as the phone beeps signalling another call waiting and she pulls the cell from her ear, sees the caller ID and for a moment, she thinks of saying to Vanessa that she'll call her back in a little while but Jay can wait, Vanessa's every bit as important, integral to her life.

Also very good once again at proving how intuitive,even telepathic, she is.

"I got a million and one other questions Hail, but you sound tired so I'll sign off now and also I'm doing it now before Jay tries to call and curses me for keeping you on the line."

Hailey doesn't tell her it's too late, instead she replies, "He can curse all he wants. I love you, we'll talk or message in the next couple of days, I got a feeling it's about to get busy here and Voight and the criminal fraternity of the city are bound to keep you all occupied over the coming days too."

"I make you right and I love you too, Hailey." Vanessa replies, "Kisses from everyone here."

The call ends leaving Hailey on her hotel bed, staring around the room, willing herself to believe that the next few weeks will be fine trying to fight this feeling that's like she's so far away from the shore, out on her own and knowing just the person to call to calm her at least for a little while.

\- - - - 

Jay tries to wait 'a cool' number of seconds before he presses the button to accept the call on his cell.

Screw being cool, he thinks as he presses the button and hears her voice, trying not to let the smile show too much in his voice.

"Hey Upton."

He can almost hear her eye roll, affectionate though he knows it'll be.

"Hey, how was your day?"

How _was_ his day? Good question. Better than yesterday for sure, but still hard because every time he was back in the bullpen her absence emphasized each time he looked up, looked around him, tried to fix his attention on his computer screen but found his gaze wandering back to the empty chair.

"It was different," he settles for then adds, "You've trained Rojas well."

Her laugh makes him smile that she got his tone, though she sounds tired. He tries not to sound concerned, to sound like he's anything other than concerned about his partner.

That's _all_ this is.

"And you? They good people there?"

"I'm okay, just trying to figure out whether to stay in this hotel room or move to an Airbnb but not sure I'll be here often enough to care that it's soulless, and yeah they seem good, the guy I'm partnered with, he's tall."

"Oh yeah, that's the best you can say for him, he's tall?"

"Jay, I saw him for about an hour today. I'll report back with a full run down tomorrow so you can run a background check and all that on him, 'kay?"

Hailey's tone is teasing, and it makes Jay smile.

"Haha funny, I'm just watching out for you as best as I can from here."

"I know."

He hears the hesitation, the slight breath she takes before she continues, can guess what she's about to ask.

"Everything okay there?"

"With Voight?"

"Yeah."

Jay takes a swig of beer before he answers, setting the bottle back onto the table in front of him, "He knows how I feel. I know he thinks he's done the right thing, there's nothing we can say for now except that we both agree we want you back in one piece."

"It's not a war zone, Jay, it's New York City."

From anyone else, the words could sound mocking and teasing and in a way they are, Jay knows they are but also the gentle tone that's there too, the acknowledgement that Jay _has_ been in war zones, in cities smaller than New York and faced danger at every turn.

"We still want you back in one piece, not a scratch."

"Sounds like a challenge, how about you take that challenge up yourself Jay?"

"Touche," Jay responds with a grin.

"Sorry, couldn't resist."

He hears her yawn, and it's as contagious down a phone line as it is in person.

"I should let you go try to sleep."

Her yawn's louder this time and he can't make out what she says, except for her apology at the end and he smiles at it.

"Stay safe, Hailey, tell the tall guy, he'll have me to fight with if he doesn't help you stay that way."

"Yeah cause that wouldn't sound crazy if the first thing I said to him tomorrow was that."

"Okay well, just say it in your head."

"Goodnight Jay."

"Goodnight."

The call sustains him for all of about forty minutes before he's looking at his cell again, trying to figure out ways he can tie the latest case they have somehow to New York before he gives up and consoles himself with the fact that at least it's another day down before she's back.

\- - - - 

A week passes in a blur for Hailey, she's relieved that she didn't check out of the hotel because as soulless as it is, it's at least convenient and central and the room's clean each night and at 2am, 3am, 4.30am, she's grateful for it.

Each day, she receives messages from Vanessa and Jay. The others too, aside from Voight, check in.

She responds to them as quickly as she can, apologizing for not getting the chance to reply earlier but reassuring them that yes, she _is_ alive, and she's doing well.

She is.

This team may not be _her_ team, it makes them no less brilliant. No less capable and despite her misgivings, despite the circumstances and the way she ended up here, she's learning.

Agent Zidan or OA as everyone calls him is a good partner too. It's difficult though and she'd almost forgotten how long it takes to mould yourself, to adjust to fit in with someone else, the person you need to have at your back too.

Being the newer one is such an unfamiliar role to her these days.

It's a bigger change too because Hailey doesn't know New York like she knows Chicago. It's not her domain. She may be quick to learn, but her head's full of information about the case as it is so she has to trust OA.

OA who she learns was a Ranger too. Fought in Iraq rather than Afghanistan, though.

OA who's as quick-witted, quick on his feet and with his brain as Jay. OA who's partner just left on an undercover assignment, overnight.

It's as though Voight knew.

The 'clear lines'' Voight had mentioned? He wasn't lying. They account for everything. It at least makes everything easier to follow when you're starting out.

She wants to feel like all this is worth it, like this education, this punishment will count for something. She puts her all into finding out what else she _can_ learn from it, all the while realizing it probably won't show until she returns to Chicago.

Every evening, or sometimes the early hours, her hand hovers over Jay's name in the contacts before she reasons that talking to him makes it harder, makes her feel the distance more.

The comfort of hearing his voice not so clear now that she's not able to simply jump in her car and check on him, talk through the stresses of their days with him so instead every time she sighs as she places the phone on the bedside table and falls asleep in her clothes again.

Each morning, she wakes up to a message and today's no different:

_This is your friendly reminder to keep safe, Upton. Xx_

Somewhere along the line Jay graduated to two x's at the end of his messages. Sometimes he even plays fast and loose with the emojis.

Each morning she replies and each morning she's helpless to stop herself smiling when she gets a different emoji in response.

It carries her through till around lunchtime even though half the time she doesn't see the messages till later, knowing that he's sent one, knowing that Rojas has too, it makes her feel less cut off.

And she takes Jay's instruction to keep safe seriously, as if not just her life depends on it, as if the connection she has with them will break if she doesn't.

\- - - - 

"Jay, it's just a bump so quit fussing." Rojas snaps at Jay as he asks her again if she's okay, trying to resist the temptation to feel the bump at the back of her head because each time she does, she feels a little more nauseous.

"He knocked you out, Rojas, so it's not _just_ a bump and it's not fussing to make sure you don't lose consciousness again and before you argue I _am_ staying here all night to monitor you as directed."

That said, Jay steps back into the kitchen brokering no further argument as he pulls two glasses from the cupboard and turns the tap for drinking water on, filling both glasses and walking back to where Vanessa's sat on the couch, a blanket now covering her, he hands a glass to her and sits down on the chair next to the window.

"You need food?" He asks.

"Not hungry, but if you are, Hailey has a bunch of menus in one drawer in the kitchen."

"I'm okay thanks."

Jay replays the events of earlier in his head. No one had done anything wrong, the guy had the element of surprise that was all, a matter of two seconds was all it took for him to strike at Rojas. Fortunately, this time, it wasn't a gun, instead a harder than normal push or shove that had Vanessa hitting the ground harder than her head could take.

Jay's seen the result of things like that before though, where the result of something so innocuous was final. He doesn't have to make a call that would bring Hailey back so much faster, and he's grateful that's the case.

It's over the halfway point of Hailey being in New York, it's been enlightening at both how fast and slow time can pass. Fast because the case they've been working on has progressed faster than Jay or anyone had expected culminating in the events earlier and slow because though it's getting easier, more comfortable partnering with Rojas, it's still not as easy as with Hailey.

Rojas is younger and compared to her Jay's like some kind of jaded veteran cop. Listening to her talk enthusiastically about this or that even despite the recent setback makes him wonder if he was ever like this or whether the army had knocked the childlike enthusiasm from him. Watching the spark of interest and joy in anything, even the mundane, like stakeouts it's refreshing even though it makes him extra cautious, extra wary and on his guard for her.

Hell, she'd even tried to bounce up straight after she'd got hurt earlier. A sharp glare from Jay and a shake of the head from Voight had stopped her at least.

She's stopped commenting on the time he spends on his phone though, which has been less anyway as Jay's settled into this new temporary normal.

Maybe it's been easier because Jay knows that Vanessa misses Hailey too. Vanessa talks about her a lot and even if Jay doesn't join in, he enjoys hearing about the side of Hailey that he knows exists, has seen himself occasionally but recognizes is an altogether different version of Hailey to one he's most familiar with.

"Spending the night here in Hailey's place probably feels like it would happen a different way than this, right?" Vanessa suggests interrupting his thoughts, her tone innocent but even in her mildly concussed state, her eyes sparkle.

Jay arches an eyebrow, feeling himself redden.

"Drink your drink Rojas," he instructs, trying to ignore the way her stare is burning holes in him as he turns his attention back to his cell.

"Food for thought though, huh Jay?"

Jay looks up, meets her gaze, measuring Vanessa for any clues, any hints she's playing with him again. Instead, all he sees is kindness, a soft smile and understanding. He would say she's learned it from the best except the more he gets to know her, the more he realizes Rojas gets people because from an early age, she had to.

To survive, she had to get the measure of people and Jay's familiar with how that goes, knows Hailey is too, but it's different altogether for the younger woman sitting across from him now.

He nods, and he's not even surprised as he does because it's true. Even if what she'd said was in jest, there's a truth to it.

A truth that he still fights to push away because it's inconvenient. It's tugging at and playing with the barriers he's built for himself without even realizing it. He tries not to think much of what happened at the hospital because those days are shrouded in darkness, of memories he has to push down for his own sanity and his recollection as a result is probably skewed.

Except it's not, it's crystal clear and as much as when he thinks of those days he remembers mostly the pain, he also comes back to her fragile smile and the way his stomach had done a flip only to crash when the sound of his cell had made her think again.

"Wake-up calls come in all shapes and sizes, sometimes they're for the worse, sometimes they come disguised as awful things but end up being all you could need to figure stuff out."

Even if Jay was about respond, Vanessa pulls the blanket higher over her body and shuts her eyes so Jay stays silent and in the chair for a moment before he gets up, picking up his glass and Vanessa's walking past the mirror in the hallway pausing to glance at it, seeing how tired he looks before his attention shifts to the photos on the shelf.

There are photos scattered around the ground floor of the house. Hell, he'd held the box containing some of them when they'd all helped Hailey and Vanessa move in.

His own apartment has some photos, but they're older ones. As though his apartment is a monument to times he was unafraid of displaying the people that counted in his life, even if overtime they ceased to be a current part of it.

He picks up the middle frame, one of him, Ruz and Hailey who's leaning into him. All of them smiling, all of them unaware of what this shit show of the last few months would bring them all.

He places the frame back onto the shelf and walks through the kitchen, placing the glass on the counter, turning the coffee machine on, choosing the coffee he'll have before he sighs and rubs his hand over his chin, shaking his head.

Resisting the urge to reach for his cell as it's late and New York's an hour ahead, reasoning that it's only just over a week now and he'd be the same about any of the others had they been his partner for so long, wouldn't he?

As he walks towards the rear of the house, opening the door and pulling it to quietly so he doesn't wake Vanessa before he reaches for his cell, unlocking it and opening up her name in his contacts list and she answers within two seconds, he feels a familiar smile appear as her voice warms him even in the cool of the night as he hears her voice and that's all the answer he should need.

Should being the operative word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, please consider leaving a kudos or a comment - thanks for reading xx


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally here with the final chapter. Slightly different in the last bit than the version posted on ffnet a week or so back and a few v minor changes elsewhere.
> 
> Any mistakes etc., down to me as always.

The first thoughts Hailey had when she'd looked at the caller ID were that a) the lateness and Jay's not called this late before and b) would Voight even let her come back if Jay's hurt again?

Not that that would have stopped her even if he said no. Wild horses wouldn't keep her away.

She half expected it not to be Jay. Will with the awful news, or maybe Vanessa. Turned out it  _ was _ Jay and now she's sat up in bed, one leg underneath the other as she hears him talk.

"So, uh, I'm at your place, here to monitor Rojas." then before Hailey can voice her concern he adds, "She's fine, bump on the back of her head so I'm keeping an eye on her."

"What happened?"

"A suspect pushed her to the ground, and she hit a lot heavier than even he expected, she  _ is _ fine though."

"And you, are you okay Jay?"

He hesitates before he responds, "I am, yeah I'm good, it," he pauses cutting himself off, takes a breath and then continues, "Everything ok with you? You and tall guy keeping those streets safe?"

"OA, that's what everyone calls him."

"Oh, you're  _ everyone _ now, are ya?"

Hailey grins into the phone, "Jay, he's literally just my partner while I'm here, calm down, anyway did I tell you he was a Ranger too?"

"Oh yeah, Afghanistan?"

"Iraq."

“Right,” he mumbles before falling silent and Hailey's accustomed to it except it's harder over the phone, not knowing what's going on with him, whether she shouldn't have mentioned OA's military past, whether something else entirely is bothering him.

"Jay? What's up?"

He exhales, and his voice is quieter still when he replies.

"I should have paid more attention, been more there for you. I should've been a better partner and if I had this wouldn't have happened. It also kinda sucks here without you."

Without the first sentence, perhaps Hailey would’ve smiled into the phone at Jay’s last few words. 

"And if you knew everything, do you think it would have made a difference? I'm still me, still not regretting the decisions I made, though I know why they're wrong and I realize it's not something I can keep doing. That doesn't mean that given a chance I wouldn't do the same thing again tomorrow, whether or not you knew."

"Still," Jay starts.

"Still what, Jay? You're still here, you're still talking to me, and more than that, you still listen. You've probably figured out what went on both times and I know how important certain things are for you and yet you remain the person I look to each day, the one who doubts himself when you have no reason to because honestly, it's never easy but you, you're the one who makes it eas _ ier _ ."

"Yeah?"

Jay sounds almost disbelieving. Again, he's so full of contradictions, he's the most confident person, the most reliable person, the best partner she could ever have dreamed of having and yet sometimes, he doesn't get it, he just doesn't.

"Yes, Jay."

"Need this next week and a bit to fly by, you know," he whispers like it's a confession or a secret.

"Same," Hailey whispers back.

"Anyway, It's late there, right?"

"That's okay, I couldn't sleep and even if I could, really it’s fine Jay."

"I  _ should _ let you go though."

Something has Hailey thinking that's the last thing he wants, it's the last thing she wants too. She could, she  _ would _ talk to Jay for as long as he needed and even if she got only 2 hours or no sleep at all, she'd be okay.

He's closed off again though, like a switch flicked on or off and it's fine, Hailey gets it. She's been there. She really gets him, even if the reasoning is different.

"Okay well, sleep well Jay and tell Vanessa to listen to the Doctor's and your orders too. I'll call her tomorrow."

"Please stay safe, Hailey."

"You too, Halstead."

An hour after the call ended, Hailey lies in bed, still awake, analyzing every second, every word she can remember to disprove the feeling she can't shake.

Till eventually she falls asleep.

\- - - -

Over the following week, Jay alternates between Kev, Adam and Kim as his partners.

Without Hailey and now Vanessa, they're depleted, and so what they can do is limited. It doesn't help Jay keep distracted. It means more time in the bullpen.

More time to think. The times they leave the 21st is for low-level, for now at least, stakeouts which require concentration sure but give Jay more time again as his and Kim's energy levels drop in the quieter moments, as the conversation peters out.

More time to come to the same conclusions, the same amount of unanswered questions, the same doubts and fears.

"Wanna talk about what you've been sighing about for the last 3 hours, Jay, or not?"

He glances across to Kim and grins, "Sorry, but no, I'm good."

"Okay, but don't forget we do all talk, we  _ are _ cops and we detect stuff Jay so I checked and Adam said you were huffing and puffing yesterday and Kev, the day before so even if it's not me or the guys, make sure you talk to someone okay?"

Jay gives her a halfhearted nod, muttering a thank you then lifts the camera higher signalling the end of that conversation.

\- - - -

Several hours later and Jay steps into the ED at Med, his eyes searching for Will, finding him eventually, deep in concentration, a pen in his hand.

Jay almost turns straight back round to leave but his feet betray him and he walks toward his brother who looks up as Jay nears him.

"Hey man, you okay?"

Jay frowns, "You got a minute?"

Will's eyes narrow and he clicks the pen he's holding, laying it down on top of the papers he was writing on and nods, "Sure."

Jay follows his older brother to a quieter area, a corridor where hardly anyone else is around, and Will turns back to face him.

"'Sup?"

"Hailey."

Will's face darkens with concern, "The hell? She's in New York, right, she okay? She's not hurt, is she? You need a ride to the airport or?"

Too late Jay realizes his mistake and shakes his head, "God, no man, she's fine or at least she was when I messaged her before I came to see you."

"Well, that's a relief, except if that's not the issue, what is? They keeping her there longer?"

Jay fixes Will with a look. Will returns the look and then some.

"What? Get to the point quicker Jay if you don't want me to jump to the worst and for us, most natural conclusions."

His older brother has a point, Jay concedes, in his head though because he'll be damned if he admits it. He rubs his eyes, counts to ten in his head, though at his brother's put-upon sigh, he knocks it down from ten to five and takes a deep breath,

"I  _ may _ have feelings for her."

Jay shuts his eyes, thinking if he opens them, it'll be fine, he'll be back in the bullpen, none of this will have happened. Hailey will be there, it'll be 2019 again and he can do everything once more knowing what he knows now and he won't have to do  _ this. _

Will's hands on his shoulders and the patient way he says, "Come on, open them, man," show that he was wrong. His forlorn hopes were just that. He's here in 2020 still, and he just said out loud what he's not said to a single soul before now.

He opens his eyes, sees Will's smile and huffs, taking in the way Will's expression changes to slight confusion.

"Wait, it's a bad thing?"

"No, it's not, except what if she doesn't feel the same way?"

"That'll always be a risk Jay but knowing how risk averse you've been with relationships in the last couple of years I'm guessing that you have a ton of evidence to think she may feel the same?"

"Not a ton or hardly any in fact, mostly just a feeling and maybe, it doesn't matter cause this is how  _ I _ feel except."

"She's not Erin."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"When you first told me she'd gone to New York, I could see it in your eyes, that wasn't a normal kinda 'my partner's gone to New York for a few weeks' thing, it was more except till right now I didn't do the math."

"Okay but I still don't get the connection to Erin."

"I could see the fear that history was repeating itself and now I realize I could see in your eyes you were scared that you wouldn't have the chance to say how you felt, that somehow fates would conspire and you'd wind up not just searching for a new partner again or perhaps I'm wrong."

Jay looks at the floor, shakes his head and looks back up at Will.

"You're not."

"Okay, so like I was saying she's not Erin, man, just because it happened like that before, have faith."

"I'm trying."

"So, the bit of evidence you got? What was it?"

Jay walks across to the chairs in the corridor and sinks down, shaking his head, clasping his hands together.

"The day they discharged me after the shooting, Hailey came by to take me home and just before we left she said she'd realized something that she wanted to tell me, then we got interrupted and the moment went and she said it didn't matter except it felt like it did, looked like it did to her too but what if it was something about being partners? What if it was nothing like this?"

Will crouches down facing Jay.

"And what if it was? What if she recognized that moment wasn't the right moment because it traumatized both of you after  _ you _ almost died and she almost lost you? What if that was it was?"

Jay shrugs, his brother has a point.

"So what's the plan? When's she back?"

"Friday. Going to pick her up from the airport."

"And tell her I hope."

Jay grimaces as he looks at Will, "Maybe, really don't want to mess it up, mess us up as partners, you know. The timing, I don't want her thinking I'm trying to save her, that it's only because she went to New York and I'm afraid of losing her. I don’t want to look back and realize it was just I was afraid of history repeating itself."

"Well, okay, but it  _ is _ part of it, right? Except I think anyone with eyes would know and Hailey  _ has _ eyes, it's just that probably like you, she's been seeing it through a skewed lens thinking there's no way you could feel the same and even if you did, you got your history and she's got hers."

"Huh," Jay let's Will's words sink in before he reaches out and lightly slaps his arm, "Since when did you get so good at this shit?"

"Relationship advice? Well, I'm good at it, but I rarely ever live by it."

They share a smile before Will stands up and Jay gets off the chair, the older of the brothers glancing at his watch.

"Better go back, we're getting crazy busy these past days."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah, much more than usual anyway, some kind of virus anyway I'm happy for you man, whatever else happens at least you know now."

They exchange a hug at the end of the corridor.

"Tell me how Friday goes?"

Jay nods, "Count on it, thank you, hope things calm down here."

Will walks away, a quick wave before the doors slide shut and Jay steps outside, a little clearer, a little more certain.

A lot more nervous.

\- - - - 

When Jay had first suggested collecting her, Hailey had replied there was no need to worry as her car was in the parking lot already at the airport.

Ten minutes later and he'd convinced her she'd be tired and that they could go back and collect it the next day, he'd seemed set on the idea and although it seemed on one level illogical, she'd agreed, it shouldn't take too long if they timed it well and he was right, she  _ was _ tired already so right now it definitely wasn't the most stupid idea she'd heard.

Now when it's raining hard outside as Hailey steps into the arrivals hall at O'Hare and scans the faces, looking for Jay, stifling a yawn as she does, she's glad she agreed.

If she can ever find him, that is.

It takes a few minutes till she sees him, leaning against a pillar, looking at his phone. She stops, reaches for her cell and types out a quick message.

_ Thanks for keeping an eye out for me, Halstead, it's so clear you missed me. :/ _

She can hear the message tone almost immediately and she watches as his fingers tap at the phone, presumably to open her message.

She watches him mouth 'what?' before he looks up and around and sees her and she thinks he'll apologize and rush over to her and he shifts as if he's about to before he leans back, glances at his cell and taps at the screen. Seconds later, Hailey's phone makes the sound of the message alert and she holds it up to look at the screen.

_ I wasn't waiting for you. I was waiting for someone called Hailey Ann Upton who puts 3 x's at the end of her messages, thanks all the same xxx _

She shouldn't be this enamored, and she shakes her head, looks up expecting Jay to be across from her and not in front of her as he is now, a wide smile fixed onto his face like it'll never budge.

"Welcome home," he says, pulling her into the briefest, warmest, most secure hug she's had and needed so much for weeks.

Then he looks her over, and she does the same to him, happy to see there's no sign of even a scratch, forgetting about herself until Jay frowns and his hand goes to touch the dressing on her forehead that meant at the final hurdle, she came out with a scratch rather than without.

"Tall guy couldn't save you then?"

Hailey rolls her eyes at him, "OA looked after me just fine, like I looked after him, he couldn't account for the overhead bin and an oversized bag hitting me on the head though when I tried to put my case there before the plane took off."

Jay winces in sympathy, "You okay?"

"I'm fine, Jay, glad to be home."

"Missed me, huh?"

"Yeah, right until the moment I remembered just how very Jay Halstead you are."

Jay's smile is full-watt, full beam. And she'd never admit quite how much to him, but man, she missed him so much.

"You think I'm bad now, wait till I tell ya that Voight wants to see you before I drive you home."

_ "Now? _ "

"Uh-huh."

She groans, "Oh man, on second thoughts, how do you fancy being a cop in New York, Jay?"

He crinkles his eyes, and shakes his head, "Not even for a second, come on, it'll be okay, I'll be around this time so he can't yell the place down."

She raises a skeptical eyebrow but walks alongside him; him reaching for her case and pulling it for her as they exit the arrivals hall.

Reunited at last.

\- - - - 

It's early evening as they arrive at the 21st, going up the back way to the bullpen. They had said little in the car. After the lightness of their reunion at the airport, something felt off. Maybe it was Hailey trying to stop the thoughts and apprehension running through her head.

Hailey settles on that thought rather than anything else as they step into the bullpen, the lights turned on but no one else about.

Except Voight.

She exchanges a glance with Jay who gives her an encouraging smile as she scans the bullpen, her eyes settling on her own desk unable to stop a half smile before she takes a step to her right and stands in the doorway of Voight's office where he's in his chair, looking up, his expression impassive.

"Sarge."

He gestures for her to step inside with one hand and she does, hearing Jay's quiet, "You got this," before she turns to shut the door.

"No, leave it open, Hailey."

She releases a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, a little more hopeful as she turns back round, walks over to the chair and sits down, facing Voight. Voight who watches her for what feels like forever but is more likely a minute or two at most.

"You know I never take the decisions I make lightly. I don't lose one of my finest cops even just for a few weeks unless I think it'll help Intelligence, and ultimately unless I think it'll help them."

"Sarge," Hailey cuts in, or rather tries to.

"Not done yet," he responds, shaking his head, he says it warmly though and there's a hint of a smile before he continues, "I will  _ never _ regret the decision I made even if it had backfired. I'd do it again, hell I'd even say the same things I said in this office those few weeks back, even if you'd gone there and stayed there. You were getting more reckless, you were going too far down a path that wasn't sustainable, picking up all the wrong habits, you understand that, right?"

She's about to respond when he moves, the air releasing from his chair as he gets up and rounds the desk to sit just to her right. Hailey tenses at the proximity, the memories of just a few weeks ago vivid, nowhere near close to fading.

"They liked you, they liked you a lot there. Tried to convince me you needed several more weeks of reconditioning your brain or whatever bullshit it was they said, I forget. You made an impression, Upton, I knew you would," he nods, the smile more prominent now, warmer, no trace of danger.

"I'm pretty sure I know what I learned, though I guess it's only what I knew already," she sighs, shaking her head, "this last year I don't know, I tried to make things right, find a way to deal and I understand I can't do what I did again or at least not without talking to you, talking to Jay, nothing that jeopardizes us; the unit," she clarifies. 

She meets Voight’s eyes, clasps her hands together. 

"Honestly though Sarge, even with the benefit of hindsight I don't regret a single thing. I don't regret that Darius Walker is off the streets for always, and Gael too for a while."

Voight purses his lips, a thoughtful nod.

"I understand but also that thing you said that you thought it was something I would do, never use me as an example to follow, for your sake okay?"

He waits for her to show some agreement, some way of confirming she heard him. 

"And I guess we'll see what happens in the coming weeks, whether you  _ have _ learned. Be in no doubt that you keep down that path even just for a few more steps, even though, you're every bit as much the future as Halstead is for this place, this unit and losing you would detrimentally affect us, it's a decision I won't back away from so don't make me do it. You're great police Hailey, you always have been, need you to bring that back without the other crap now, got it?"

"Loud and clear, sarge," she replies, feeling herself relax as he stands up and returns to the other side of his desk.

He gestures towards Jay who as Hailey looks behind her she can see is making heavy weather out of adding more paper to the tray underneath the printer, casting covert glances, or not so covert in reality, toward Voight's office.

"Sometimes I can't quite believe you guys are adept at undercover," he smirks then looks back to Hailey, "Monday, you and him, partners again, right?"

Hailey can’t conceal the smile, the feeling of relief. Now she can admit to herself she was scared that she'd have to do desk duty for a few days at least, nervous she'd partner up with one of the others even though she and Jay work the best.

"Right," she nods.

"Okay then, Monday, see you then unless we catch a case in the meantime."

"Monday," she confirms as she stands up and walks back toward the bullpen.

"Good to have you back," Voight says quietly.

Hailey pauses in the doorway, not looking back, her attention on Jay who's mouthing 'are you okay?' and grins as she responds, "It's great to be back."

\- - - - 

Jay drives Hailey home, shooting occasional glances her way. Trying to figure out how and when to start the conversation that's burning to escape from his brain and out into the open except the longer it goes on, this silence, the more doubts creep back into his mind as they get closer to her place.

What if, despite everything, despite their staying in touch, despite her clear relief when she'd told him that Voight was keeping them together, something's changed?

Two or three times, he almost starts the conversation but then she looks at him as he exhales and each time Jay looks away, finds something to focus on in the road ahead, fingers drumming on the wheel as he drives.

When Jay slows the truck to a stop outside Hailey's place and turns off the engine. He thinks it'll be easier and that he'll start talking, or she'll say something.

Anything to break what's not like them at all and hasn't been since the first days of them as partners. This uncomfortable silence aside from the windscreen wipers as they clear the drizzle that scatters across it as it falls.

"Hailey, I-," Jay starts but stops himself, the time's not right, surely? Hailey just got off a flight after being away for several weeks, being sent away at that. She deserves space; she deserves time and not to get hit over the head by Jay and his feelings.

Except a little voice inside him says 'isn't that how you're here now, one of you fearing what at worst would be a no and you're both adult enough, close enough, open enough to not let it affect you long-term at least if it is a no?'

And what if it's a yes?

Jay's on the edge, like he's standing at the top of a mountain, toes curled over the edge, about to free fall.

"It's okay, Jay." Hailey's voice is gentle, her expression so damn understanding and if he's right, if he's even halfway right about those moments in the hospital then it's no surprise she understands. She lays her hand on his arm then just as quickly the touch is gone and she opens the door, jumping out as Jay hits the back of his head against the headrest and blows out a dissatisfied breath.

What happened to the courage he's always had?

The back door opens and a waft of chilly air brings Jay to his senses, has him jumping out of the truck and rounding the vehicle, just as Hailey picks up the case and walks toward her door.

Jay reaches out for her, lightly grazing his hand against her arm, so lightly he doubts for a moment she'll stop, but she does and turns halfway.

He tries a smile, just as a thought occurs to him before he says anything else.

"Hailey, gimme your cell."

She looks confused, but she reaches into her pocket anyway and hands it over, just as Jay reaches into his inside pocket and pulls his own out, opens the passenger door and throws them onto the passenger seat.

"Okay, no interruptions at least," she narrows her eyes though there’s a brief flicker of a smile and he thinks 'here goes nothing'.

"I think it would be easier had it been at first sight rather than like this. Without this bond we’ve got and built up the hard way, without the bumps at the start, without feeling like I know you so well but thinking what if I got this so wrong now when it matters?”

She turns fully to face him then lowering the case to the ground, giving him the same look he thinks he gave her one day in what feels sometimes like a lifetime ago.

Encouragement. Hope, perhaps a little fear.

"I was so closed for so long because you know I almost proposed to Erin. I've told no one that aside from Will then  _ she _ left and then the thing with Camilla happened and we both know how that turned out," he chokes out an empty, brittle sounding laugh.

Hailey doesn't smile. 

"I resented you for the longest time, even when things got easier between us. I saw you as this person who was the barrier to me going back to how I wanted to be, closed off, feeling safe all because I _ was _ closed off. You challenged that, you challenged me and yet everything seemed so straightforward for you then Booth came back into your life and I was facing this new feeling, seeing this new side of you and I realized I liked you, cared for you even."

Jay looks away, dragging his hand across his head, feeling the rain fall harder.

"All those times when one or the other of us needed something else, reassurance, support, promises to be there even in the darkness. Getting mad at you, you at me and all the while my brain was trying to tell me something, and I just figured it was that we were friends because that was such a change to the resentment I had for you and I was okay with that; even when you and Adam were a thing, and it was like someone had kicked me in the stomach and I ignored why it felt like that, it was still okay cause being friends with you, it's enough."

"Same for me, Jay."

He hears Hailey, but he's shaking his head.

"Except is it? That day in the hospital, I never felt so disappointed when you walked away, so you’re getting the word vomit now cause if I walk away now I figure maybe it won’t happen.”

Her expression’s kind, warm, knowing. 

“Each time, each day I looked around and needed someone, thought there would be time enough to say it even if it took forever, you were till one day you weren't and you know I'd rather say it outright than keep saying it in my head instead.”

The drizzle is more like torrential rain now. Jay scarcely notices, focusing firmly on what he  _ will _ say next.

"I love you," the words he practiced saying aloud the last few days only, so different to every other word, sentence, promise of support they’ve uttered. Three particular words that are just shorthand for everything they’ve said before; every word and sentence Jay realizes now formed their own specific language, he thinks only they understand. 

Jay shrugs, dipping his head before he looks back up, gauging her reaction, watching as she tilts her head, appraising him with a smile.

"I think that's the longest thing I've ever heard you say to me aside those times we were mad at each other."

"Or in the interview room?" Jay suggests.

"Likening what you just said to me to interviewing suspects, that's romantic Halstead."

Jay pouts a little, and she grins, though it falls away almost as soon as it appears. 

"The Hailey Upton you first met was never okay after Garrett died. I relied on myself because I was the only one in my life that represented security. I was all I held onto because I had nothing or no one else. I certainly couldn't  _ trust _ anyone else."

Hailey brushes at a drop of rain that falls on her cheek.

"And yeah you were quite the asshole in the start but the one benefit to everything I’ve lived and seen is you get a good sense of who's good; who's not, who's defensive because it's safer and you're better than good Jay, it's innate in you. You made me realize I could trust a little and I think as soon as I realized you were my steady, rock solid for me, that you were that person, I was hook, line and sinker and like you I took for granted that you’d always be that then one day you weren't and I almost said it except fear and bad timing meant it just stayed in my head."

"And now?"

"Now,  _ then, _ months ago, maybe even years ago except a different sort of love I think, yeah, I love you too Jay."

The look they exchange, just another in a long line of books they could write with just their eyes, funny how it’s all so clear now.

"So?" Jay starts.

"So," Hailey replies, "Maybe we should do the movie cliche thing fast so we can get out of this rain and dry by sometime next year by which time we may have progressed to our second I love you."

"Your sarcasm, that's what I love about you the most."

"Second love confession in less than 5 minutes, full of surprises J-."

Jay interrupts her, shaking his head and laughing, “I’m thinking the only way I will end your snark is by saying I’m going to kiss you now, okay Upton?” 

“Oh, yeah?” Her eyebrows lift upwards for a fraction of a second.

The fraction of a second before Jay leans down, gently pressing his lips against hers, feeling her breathe into the kiss before they pull away from each other, all too fast. As if the moment will fade to nothing and Hailey is still in New York or never here at all and this is all some kind of dream. 

Jay holds onto her arm, fearful of letting go completely.

He needn’t have worried, she’s still there, no longer on tiptoes, smiling, mirroring his own.

More raindrops continue to fall onto her cheeks and it's so new, so casually beautifully intimate, the way he brushes them away gently with his fingertips. 

"Cliche enough for you, Hailey Ann?"

She tilts her head to one side and shakes her head, standing on her tiptoes once more and pulling him in closer with a broad grin, "Not even close, think we need a few more takes Jay, what do you say?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Hope you enjoyed it. Please consider leaving a kudos and/or a comment. I love reading them so much.
> 
> Hope you're all staying safe and well. xxx
> 
> (ps. the scene with Will is sort of meant to mirror the scene with Will at the end of season 4 when he went to talk about proposing to Erin)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter, please consider leaving a kudos or a comment - thanks for reading xx


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